


When The Mask Falls

by dovingbird



Series: Ninja Ship Party - Commissions [3]
Category: Game Grumps
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Panic Attacks, Vomiting, imposter syndrome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-26
Updated: 2018-11-26
Packaged: 2019-08-29 13:29:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16744900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dovingbird/pseuds/dovingbird
Summary: A filled commission. Six months into his relationship with Brian, Danny invites him to move in. What starts as moving toward the next step of their lives together forces Brian's old demons to arise: imposter syndrome, running thoughts, and fear. As Brian's life begins breaking down around him, he worries he won't be able to hide it from Danny for much longer - especially if Arin's going to keep watching him so closely.





	When The Mask Falls

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Whtevrhpnd2mary](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whtevrhpnd2mary/gifts).



As they rested together in Danny’s massive bed, their bare and sweaty legs meeting from ankle to hip, Brian stared at the ceiling, still catching his breath and marveling at what he’d received. It was a gift. He knew it was. No one in the world deserved this much happiness at once.

Six months _officially_ together. Six months of warmth. Six months of fondness. Six months of...of _love._ After what felt like a lifetime of pining for his best friend, being continuously blessed with his bright eyes and his laughs and his body seemed too much for Brian to keep for long.

Did he only have a limited allotment of happiness? Was he burning through it too fast? Did he only have a little bit left, and if Danny whisked away, would he be miserable for the rest of his life?

Brian was a trained man – one who’d worked for years to attain that level of skill and knowledge in his field – but during nights like this, when his adrenaline was finally slowing, he knew that he’d put himself in a corner by doing that. His mind seemed to work faster than anyone else’s. Danny might still be lying here thinking about how amazingly tight Brian was around his cock, but Brian was already three years ahead, anticipating their inevitable break up.

Sometimes he hated himself.

A hand on his chest made his thoughts still, and Brian watched Danny roll over and rest his head next to his on the pillow. With his cheeks still flushed and his gaze shimmering, he looked as languid and beautiful as a god, and Brian couldn’t help but smile back at him.

“We should do this more often,” Danny murmured.

Brian chuckled. “What, fuck? Twice a week isn’t enough for your rabbit libido?”

“Absolutely not.” He pushed in closer, his chest flush against Brian’s ribs, and he sighed and dropped an arm around Danny’s shoulders. No way in hell was he ever going to push him away when it came to cuddles. Silence spread between them for a few seconds before Danny opened his mouth again. “I just mean that, y’know, things feel...right when you’re here. It’s always been that way. It’s never gonna change.”

Shadow thoughts reared their ugly head, speaking so fast that Brian couldn’t comprehend them. Just felt the existential dread resting on his chest, pushing down more and more and more until he could scarcely breathe. “It’s because I’m fucking perfect,” Brian quipped in response, even as it made the rumble rise that much higher. “Not my fault you had nothing but a bunch of losers before me.”

Danny snorted and prodded him in the side, but didn’t reply. That was odd enough. Danny always at least _tried_ to have a verbal comeback for Brian, even if it sounded ridiculous in hindsight. Straight up silence was rare.

_He has something he wants to say._

Every nerve in Brian’s body sparked, hairs standing on end, as he listened to his lover’s breathing. Danny would inhale, pause, then let it all out quickly. Lift his hand, as if to use it to talk, and then drop it again and go back to thumbing over Brian’s skin.

“Penny for your thoughts,” Brian finally murmured when he thought he couldn’t take it anymore.

Danny cupped his cheek and met his eyes. “I get lonely when you leave, man.” Even after these months together, common pet names were still _odd_ for them, and Brian felt the affection in that old form of address deeper than he ever had before. “My bed gets cold. I don’t sleep as good. It fucking sucks.”

_Jesus._ Realization filled Brian’s chest, and he stared at him unblinking. “Sucks to be you?” Sarcasm was safe. Sarcasm kept him from hoping for something that he didn’t think he might deserve.

A smile flashed up at him, nervous but true. “Your lease runs out in two months, dude. I know you haven’t signed it yet. And, uh...I think you should move in with me.”

Warmth and pleasure flooded him from his mind downward, engulfing his heart in such love that he could barely breathe. He rolled over and pressed in tight, until their noses rubbed together – until he could see every single thought in Danny’s brown eyes. “You really mean that?”

The grin only widened. “I wouldn’t kid about that, Bri. I love you – you know I do. And I’m sick and tired of watching you walk out my door to go to your shitty ass bed.”

“My bed is _fantastic,_ ” Brian declared as he wrapped his arms around Danny and kissed him.

Laughter vibrated against his lips. As Danny pulled back, Brian tried to chase him, but he wasn’t deterred. “I’m burning your mattress when you move in.”

“Yeah?” He kissed him again. “I’m burning your shoes.”

“Fuck you! I’m throwing all your old man clothes out!”

Brian pulled him on top of him and beamed. “I’m throwing out your shirts from college.”

Real terror filled Danny’s gaze. “You wouldn’t!”

Brian simply quirked a brow.

“You’re _evil._ ” Danny rolled them over completely, so Brian straddled him, and dragged him down for kisses that filled them both with moans. “I’ll make you pay the mortgage with me.”

Brian chuckled and gripped his jaw lightly in one strong hand – a tease of power. “Careful, Danny. That sounds like you’re going to ask me to marry you next.”

He pulled him in.

Between kisses and gentle manhandling and faint groans of pleasure, Brian drowned in Danny once more. Bubbled up as brightly as he was with the golden sheen over their future together, he couldn’t quite remember where the dark storm clouds of earlier had come from.

 

~~

 

Plans were easy to make. They were more like dreams than anything else. It was easy for Danny to lean on Brian’s chair in the office and tell him to look up a certain piece of furniture that he wanted to buy – but only if Brian wanted it too. He’d talk about starting to make space in his closet for Brian’s clothes. There’d be a question about what Brian might want to bring into the house from his apartment, since Danny had entire rooms that weren’t even being used yet.

It was perfect.

Brian was a logical man. He worked with numbers and facts, not things that were unattainable. The theory of perfection was impossible when it came to anyone – but for someone like Brian? Twice as unlikely. Something would inevitably fall to pieces every time, and with each day that passed without incident, it meant that the likelihood of failure doubled. Over and over and over it went, until he might very well be walking on a tightrope and peering down into the abyss and knowing that even the softest breeze would knock him over.

He did not deserve perfection. And that appeared to be precisely where their lives were heading.

 

~~

 

“You’re really sure about this, huh?” Brian asked, interrupting Danny in the middle of talking about putting him on his homeowner’s insurance plan. “Like...honest and truly.”

Danny blinked at him. He set the bowl of popcorn in his lap aside with a quiet laugh. “I mean...yeah? Does it seem like I’m not?”

A few seconds of silence passed as Brian parsed through his thoughts, trying to pinpoint the exact reason he felt unsure. “I mean...it took me literal years to enter a relationship with you, Dan. You remember how we got together? When...when you weren’t even sure if you were still straight or not?”

More quiet. A hint of tension lingering in the air between them. Danny cleared his throat and turned on the couch to face him, their paused movie going completely ignored. “I, uh...no, yeah, I remember that.”

“So you can understand why I’m a little surprised that you brought it up in the first place.” _Or that you’re even taking it as seriously as you are._

Danny reached out and snagged one of Brian’s hands, squeezing it. He kept his eyes on it as he spoke. “I took a while. I know I did. You didn’t have to be patient with me, man, but...but you were, and...I’m trying to show you that I’m serious. Okay?”

Brian glanced up at him.

“This isn’t about playing house. This is me trying to make sure you know that I want you in my life. _Always._ I think about you constantly when you’re not here ‘cuz it just makes _sense_ for me to come around the corner and see you cooking in the kitchen or something.” Danny slowly met his eyes and ran his thumb over the back of his knuckles. “I know I kind of led you on there for a while. I know I kept getting scared shitless about what might happen if we...if we started being _more than friends._ And I’m glad we did – I really am – but I don’t want you to spend the rest of your life wondering if my fucking commitment issues are gonna suddenly pop up out of nowhere.”

Brian shook his head. “Us moving in together won’t obliterate those. They might still be there, and they might come out, and we’ll have to deal with them-”

“I know, I know.” Danny laughed and looked away. “I know, Brian, like...I’m the one here who’s gonna drag this relationship down, if it ever gets shaky. I know that. My issues are fucking ridiculous, and you don’t have, like, a single thing wrong with you, and it’s kind of intimidating, but...”

The shadow voices rose again, whispering in the back of Brian’s mind, a sinewy sort of melody that he couldn’t completely ignore.

With a sigh, Danny called his attention back to him again. “Look, I love you, Bri. I _love_ you. That’s not gonna stop any time soon. And I wanna prove it by taking this to the next level.”

Brian’s lips quirked. “Even if it’s scary?”

“Even if it’s scary.”

“And I make you remodel your entire bathroom?”

“Go fuck yourself.”

Brian laughed. “All right, fine. So you put me on the fucking mortgage and insurance. What next?”

Danny beamed at him, looking up through messy curls, staring at him with far more love in his eyes than he’d ever deserved.

He was breathless with the weight of it.

 

~~

 

Brian stepped away from his laptop to make some coffee, too restless to sleep and too jittery to keep looking at quotes for moving companies. He hadn’t even gotten too far into planning – he still had to go looking for boxes – but it was too much to handle all at once tonight.

Evenings like this called to mind some of the more desperate lows of his friendship with Danny. That phone call, the one where he told him about how he’d be moving to the United Kingdom. The response he’d received. It trickled down his back like shards of ice, chilling him to the bone. Sometimes, even if he couldn’t recall every single precise word, the devastation still came heavy, like snow that turned into hail, beating him down until he didn’t have lungs to breathe with.

He hesitated next to the kitchen counter, then sagged against it, feeling old concerns scratch at the back of his throat. Was Danny asking him to move in so he could guarantee that he’d keep Brian there, no matter what? Did he not trust Brian to stick around anymore?

He squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, took a deep breath, then tried to force it down, like sticking his foot in the garbage can and _pressing._

These were reasons why he didn’t deserve the innocent happiness he saw in Danny’s gaze. He’d _hurt_ him. Over and over again, he’d caused him pain in order to distance his own love from Danny. It was safer that way, he thought. Sensible. He could say that he wanted to move across the ocean to pursue better job opportunities, but the lies had been sand in his mouth, and every damn time he thought for sure that Danny _knew._

Brian didn’t like lying. But it was all he ever did.

“Stop,” he whispered. He forced himself to inhale, filling his chest to the brim. He wouldn’t bubble over tonight. He wouldn’t let himself linger. He couldn’t. He just...he…

The pain stayed. Cloying him into a false sense of security, it traced claws over his muscles, then stabbed deep the second he thought the danger had passed.

_It hasn’t been this bad in a while._

Brian considered the alcohol he had trapped high in his kitchen. He rarely indulged, and given that his boyfriend and most other friends didn’t touch the stuff he didn’t often find reason to bring it down. The temptation was there tonight. He stared at the closed cabinet, then moved away, wandering aimlessly through the apartment. He told himself that he was going to start sorting through things that he’d donate or throw away rather than take with him in the move.

Instead he ended up in front of his mirror.

For long moments, he simply stared, taking in the way he appeared to the world. The t-shirt with the physics pun on it. The jeans that had seen better days. Wrinkles on his hands and by his eyes. Silver hair slowly consuming the dark. Bulging eyes, thin lips, massive nose, thick gut, thighs covered in stretchmarks--

The pain was here. It sliced through him, dragging him into the thick of it, where there was no escape.

Danny deserved better than a man like Brian. Danny was...was _beautiful_ and remarkable. He represented a far greater success story than anything Brian could ever do. He inspired people. He changed lives. He made everyone think that they could be better, if only they fought like he had. He had a laugh that lit up a room, and eyes that smoldered just as well as they sparkled, and a smile that made whoever saw it think that they were the only person alive.

It didn’t make sense that things had changed as quickly as they did. That Danny had...realized somehow that he _wanted_ Brian. That he’d ached for him for years. That didn’t happen in real life. No one had happiness like that – especially not someone far past their prime, and who’d spent years making sure that their most secret, intimate feelings were kept hidden away.

Had Brian somehow manipulated Danny into wanting him without even trying? There wasn’t another logical explanation. Taking a man who had identified as heterosexual for his entire life – who even today still didn’t know what label to apply to himself, in this climate of ever changing sexuality language – and making him believe that he loved him? That he wanted to have sex with him? How did that happen? How did someone really have no prior concept that they might be _slightly_ less than straight for almost forty years, and then suddenly wake up with a boner for another man?

Somehow he’d done something wrong, he thought.

A ping in the living room startled him, and Brian fought through the remnants of the haze before he remembered his phone, the message alert, that he had a text, and he forcibly turned himself from the mirror and breathed once more. He wandered back into the living room and checked his phone.

It was from Danny. A screenshot of a furniture website. A couch – far bigger than his own, something to compete with the massive sectional that Arin and Suzy had – that would finally make Danny’s living room look a little less barren.

_“Plenty of room for cuddles and kicking your ass in games! Can’t wait for you to be here. The house is too quiet. The only way I’m staying sane is by thinking about when you’ll be here with me forever.”_

Such sweetness dripped like honey into his mouth. Did he deserve it? No, maybe not. But he was a selfish man. He always had been. Why else would he have accepted Danny’s new feelings without questioning them? And he wanted this. Wanted _Danny._

Maybe he _was_ an imposter, and maybe Danny hadn’t figured that out yet. Maybe he never would. Maybe Brian would go his whole damn life knowing he didn’t deserve love as pure as this, or friendship as steadfast as he received from Arin or Brent or Ross, or kindness as rich as what he felt on a daily basis even from total strangers.

But he was going to fight to keep it. And nothing would stop him.

He sent a text back – _”It’s hideous. It’ll match the rest of your decor perfectly.”_ – and felt his lips quirk when Danny sent him a pouting selfie back. He saved the picture immediately, then sat down and picked up his laptop again.

Moving companies. Right. He could work on that. He could ignore the throbbing ache in his chest still – where the claws had marred him the worst. He could get things done and not be so fucking useless.

Easy peasy.

 

~~

 

“Morning!”

“Morning.” Brian gave Danny a quick kiss on the lips and smiled at him fondly as they passed in the hallway. “Ready to do all my work for me?”

“Fuck you!” Danny sang out brightly as he disappeared around the corner, and Brian laughed. He sat at his desk with a sigh and immediately opened up his emails, preparing to slog through the important ones and neglect the shit. It’d take him a little while to wake up, and sipping his coffee while doing this always helped.

Having Danny beside him never helped matters of focus. It was a process – becoming comfortable enough in their relationship that they could still be pleased to see each other and occasionally play some kind of stomping foot wars under the desk in the name of flirting, but also no longer feeling like live wires the second they both made eye contact and being unable to complete any work again until they snuck away to the bathroom for a few stolen moments of making out. They were relaxing so much more now that it felt...domestic, somehow, to sit here and go through emails and to know that Danny would be back soon, and that they’d sink into the quiet of their keyboards clacking while simply breathing each other in.

Brian took another drink of coffee when he heard footsteps behind him, and he glanced, then turned fully in his chair when he saw Arin lingering in the doorway. “Hey.”

“Hey!” Arin grinned. “Heard you agreed to the move. Congrats, dude!”

So it was out, then. He anticipated a long string of well wishers.“Did Danny just tell you?”

“Nah, we talked about it, like, weeks ago.” Arin waved it off. “Between you and me, I’m pretty sure I gave him the idea, heh. Don’t tell him I said that – he’ll kick my ass.”

Something uneasy stirred in Brian’s chest. Vulnerability. Suspicion. He couldn’t let that manifest. He focused on quipping, taking a second longer than usual to find something to spit out. “Don’t lie to me about that, Arin – we both know you wouldn’t recognize a good idea if it spanked you.”

Arin laughed, shaking his head. “No, seriously! It was...kind of cute, actually? Like, in a gross way. He ended up in my office all sweaty and doting and shit one day? Probably after you two snuck off during lunch – yes, I know about that, we _all_ know about that, don’t look at me like that. Anyway, he was nervous or whatever about how happy he was with you, and how he wanted to show it...”

As Arin went on, Brian stopped taking it in. He stared at his face, feeling the foreboding spread little by little.

This was exactly what he should’ve expected, and he felt like a fool for not recognizing it earlier. Of course it hadn’t been Danny’s idea to ask Brian to move in. It hadn’t been Danny’s idea to have feelings for him either – it had taken Brian’s entire breakdown to put the idea in his head in the first place, even after years of friendship – so why would it be his idea to make their relationship a little more permanent? Brian could foresee a future moment – Suzy flashing her wedding ring or something and telling some new acquaintance all about Arin had proposed to her, and Danny overhearing the story and immediately going out and looking for wedding bands.

It made sense. Danny was impressionable. Gullible. Easy to trick and tease. Why would this have been any different?

“...and I figure it’s just about time anyway. If you guys had been living together right when you got back from England, I bet he would’ve been proposing to you in a week, like, let’s be real – you two are perfect for each other, and I can’t believe he was so blind for so damn long-”

“Well, if you gave him the idea, then it’s only fair that you help me move in,” Brian interrupted. There was something hollow inside of him. His words felt wooden. He swallowed and pressed on, clinging to the joke. “I think you should go ahead and mark your calendar for a few weeks away – the last Saturday of the month, maybe? I’ll put my feet up and drink a beer or two while you carry all my boxes inside. What do you say?”

The joke should’ve been easy to move the conversation along. Wit was Brian’s most efficient weapon, and he wielded it with ease. But something about Arin’s expression didn’t sit well with him. He looked like a scientist peering through a microscope. Like he was going to start taking notes.

Coldness spread through Brian’s gut.

“If you think I’m gonna be free labor without you even buying me a fucking pizza, you’ve got another thing coming,” Arin finally quipped, his lips quirking. “But, uh, nice try, buddy.” Arin patted him on the head, and Brian made a show of trying to bite his hand, making him laugh. “Do you wanna get some lunch today, by the way? It’s been a while since just you and I did anything together, hasn’t it?”

_Maybe because you do everything with Danny instead of trying to do anything with me._

The thought made him so unsettled that Brian immediately spoke. “Nah, I’ve already got plans, but some other time, okay?”

Arin nodded, eyes still firm on Brian’s own, and smiled. “Sure, dude. Hey, lemme know if you need anything today.”

“As always, boss.”

Arin left the office, and Brian turned slowly to face his computer without quite seeing it. Had his earlier thought been jealousy? He didn’t think so. He had a long history of being jealous of whoever Danny spent his time with in the past, but those fleeting emotional memories hadn’t been ones he’d revisited once their romantic relationship began. Arin had Suzy, Brian had Danny, and he’s wasn’t about to be an asshole who made his lover stop seeing his best friend just because he wanted more time with him.

No, it hadn’t been jealousy about Danny’s time with him. But the feeling had been remarkably similar.

It was true. Arin and Brian rarely did things alone together, and if they spent time with each other it was typically because Danny was there instead, from tours to recording sessions to panel appearances at a con.

So was it jealousy because Arin never tried to initiate a one on one friendship with Brian before today? Possibly. But he couldn’t exactly blame him. With how effervescent Danny was, it was any wonder people took notice of Brian at all. So many nights spent on stage without people responding to him unless Danny deliberately focused attention in his direction. So many tweets directed toward Danny specifically. So many streams where Brian had taken control of the situation only by forcefully inserting himself into the limelight, not by request or demand.

_Dear Danny and other members of NSP._

Danny was the golden guy. Brian had known it all along. If even once he had a friend who he introduced to Danny for the first time, it was inevitable that they came to prefer his company over Brian’s. After the lifetime of depression Danny had, Brian couldn’t exactly fault him for it, but…

It would’ve been nice for Arin to ask him to lunch out of his own interest in being better friends with him – and not because he looked at Brian like he was a puzzle to solve.

_Emails._ Brian took a deep breath, cleansing the tension in his chest, and focused on his screen again. It took a bit to find his stride, but he hit it, and he refused to let his attention divert – even when Danny slid into the chair beside him and squeezed his hand.

 

~~

 

“You sure you can’t just move in tonight?”

Brian heard the teasing words, but he didn’t attend to them as well as he wanted to. His head felt slightly swimmy, and he doubted it had anything to do with the single draft beer he’d had, nor with Danny’s presence. No, the stress of work, he reasoned, was what had gotten to him, paired with knowing exactly how much he had left to pack. “I don’t even have the living room packed up yet,” he murmured, taking another sip of the beer.

Danny snorted. “Just get rid of it. We can buy new shit. Y’know...make it _our_ place, not just mine.”

More gentle lurching in his belly. More sips of his drink. Maybe he was getting ill.

“Unless, like…I mean, if you want, I can just wait until you’re all moved in first, or...I can go ahead and buy everything?” Danny let out a light chuckle. “Waking you up all hours of the night with questions about furniture or whatever’s gotta be annoying.”

Brian shook his head, but didn’t reply verbally. His gaze drifted to the nearest TV, where a game played by a team he didn’t give a shit about. His legs itched. Maybe if he moved around a little, he’d actually be able to focus.

It was rare nowadays that Danny and Brian even had a chance to come out to a restaurant on a weekend night. Brian’s schedule was far more open than Danny’s, but he spent it all packing, and Danny was always working on videos, songs, interviews, seeing old friends, thinking about the future…

Brian blinked a few times, trying to clear his head. When was the last time he’d even slept the whole night through?

“...good game?”

“Hmm?” Brian blinked and looked at Danny for the first time in twenty minutes. “I have no idea. It’s on, that’s all I know.”

Danny wrinkled his brow as he slurped up the remnants of his soda through his straw. “Then, uh...why’re you paying more attention to it instead of me?”

A very good question. Danny was his boyfriend. He was the entire reason Brian had gotten in his car and drove here for a _proper_ date, not just the two of them sitting on his couch and eating takeout food again. But something about the entire situation had him on edge. Sleep? Work stress? He considered them both logical possibilities, making tick marks on the whiteboard he often saw before his mind’s eye. Correlation did not equal causation, and…

“I canceled plans to be here.”

Something in Danny’s tone finally resonated in Brian’s gut like a bell. His lover was a patient guy. He didn’t often sound so...so _snippy_ unless something was genuinely wrong. But there it was – that edge, the sharpness that Ross sometimes took on if no one in the office was paying attention to something he was working on. From Ross, it felt bratty. From Danny, it felt hollow and depressed.

Brian’s heart skipped a beat.

“If you needed to get something else done, we could’ve rescheduled,” Danny murmured. As Brian met his eyes, he saw the ache right on the surface – not hidden even slightly. How was Danny able to be so open and vulnerable like this? Was it because he was so generally loved by everyone around him that he hadn’t had to fight for attention in years? Brian couldn’t even imagine being that free.

How many doors were still tightly locked in Brian’s mind with shadows trying to poke beneath them?

As a chill resonated through Brian’s veins, he reached across the table and covered Danny’s hand. When Danny didn’t pull away – didn’t even _look_ away – Brian leaned on old habits. “I’m out of it. Lots of work. Lots of packing. It’s shit. But you know that doesn’t mean I don’t wanna be here.” He tilted his head to the side. “I can’t think straight around you. When I’m this tired, my head just...goes places. Thinks about things that...maybe I shouldn’t be considering in polite company.”

Danny’s gaze flicked down to the table, and he shifted, turning his hand over so his fingers tickled over Brian’s inner wrist. “I mean...”

“What’s that?” Brian leaned closer, trying to catch his eye. “Does someone want to hear exactly what those inappropriate thoughts are?”

Danny chewed on his bottom lip, and, against his better judgment, it seemed, a smile peeked at the corners of his mouth. “Like you can ever keep your mouth shut anyway,” he finally said with a giggle. “You like to hear yourself talk so much.”

“And you like to listen.” Adopting the more sinewy tone was easier than it should’ve been, given how he continued to stomp on the quiet spark of panic at the base of his stomach. “But, if you don’t want to hear me...maybe I should just _show_ you instead.”

Danny pulled his wallet out, flipping through it clumsily and pulling out a few bills to set on top of the check they’d been neglecting. “Fifteen minutes of anticipation-”

“Who said anything about waiting until we get home?”

Eyes snapping to Brian’s, Danny watched him, an ember of heat in his gaze. It was one that Brian knew wouldn’t take much at all to coax into life, and he jumped on the opportunity, standing up and taking Danny’s hand and pulling him out of the booth.

They’d never been so obviously clandestine before – not even at work. While the office felt like an extension of home in many ways, all thanks to the careful decorating that invoked inspiration without the stress of a standard office building, the fact that Brian led the way to the bathroom with promise in his hurried pace meant something far more exciting. And Danny would go along with it, of course. He always did.

He was weak for Brian. It seemed that over thirty years of repressing a supposed side of him meant that he couldn’t resist a damn thing that Brian offered him. It was kind of him to be patient with Danny in the past, he thought, when giving him as little as a snog in the hallways probably would’ve made his pants fall off without any additional help, but he didn’t have to wait anymore, did he?

Why not use this? Why not let his lover feel good anytime, anywhere?

Why not embrace the distraction?

The bathroom was a single stall, and Brian pushed Danny through the door and locked it behind him. His lover’s breath was already catching, and as Brian pressed flush against him, palming his jeans told him he was already hard.

“Eager,” Brian murmured with a smirk.

“I-I missed you, okay?” Danny leaned forward for a kiss, and Brian hesitated for only a moment before he returned it.

It wasn’t the first time Brian gave a blowjob while on his knees in a filthy bathroom, but it _was_ the first time he actually enjoyed it.

At least...he was pretty sure that he did.

 

~~

 

Normally Brian was fantastic at keeping track of time and dates, but something about Danny’s visit back home to see his family slipped by him completely. One night he was texting Danny and asking if their weekly Netflix date was still on for Friday, and the next second he was being reminded that Danny’s flight left that morning, actually – that they’d rescheduled to eat out two days before on purpose.

It wasn’t often that Danny got out of town to see his folks – and the fact that his sister would be there at the same time was a huge boon. For the first time outside of major holidays, they’d all be together – and for a whole week, too, to help celebrate their parents’ milestone anniversary together.

It worked out, really. It gave Brian time to focus on packing.

He imagined he might’ve gotten more done so far if he hadn’t been so busy at work. With his nose to the grindstone there, it was increasingly more difficult to focus on getting boxes packed and sealed ahead of time – and now the move was only two weeks away. The deposit had been put down on the moving company. Empty boxes filled his living room. Everything was set up to make it as speedy and efficient as possible.

He just...couldn’t focus.

That entire week, he did nothing but go to work, then come straight home to focus on packing. It should’ve made it easy. Danny was so enjoying his time with his family that he wasn’t reaching out to Brian very often. There were no distractions. Yet even still, Wednesday came with only one new box packed the night before, and the crunch was starting to tighten around him.

“Hey, Brian?” Ross stepped in his path as he headed toward the door at the end of the day. “What’s up?”

Brian blinked. He’d barely spoken to anyone in the office for days now. It took a few extra seconds for the clouds to clear away. “Nothing. Just on my way home. You?”

Ross grinned. “Yeah, same! Hey, so, I know you’ve probably been lonely as hell with Danny being gone-”

“The time away’s been refreshing, actually,” he drawled. “I’ve gotten a lot done.”

Ross snorted and rolled his eyes. “Yeah, sure, anyway, uh, figured I’d see if you wanted to come hang out tonight. Some other friends’ll be there, and we’ve got some new tabletop games, and-”

“I have to _pack,_ Ross,” he snapped. Any other time he would’ve thought of how this invitation was obviously preceded by something very important that Brian hadn’t figured out yet, and he would’ve apologized. Today, however, Ross was simply an obstacle in his way. “Maybe another time. Have a good night.” And he pushed past him, and the door shut behind him, and Ross let him go, and that was all there was to it.

Getting home, however, afforded him no pleasure. His phone was silent and in his bedroom. He put book after book into a box, like an assembly line, and he thought of Danny, and how he’d be home soon with stories of his sister and his mom and his dad, and just how lovely it must be to still have a fucking family to go home to at all.

He tried not to think of the deaths of his parents anymore, if he could help it, but tonight all he could see were their faces. Had they been proud of him? If they could see where he was now, would they be prouder still, or would they be humiliated by what prestige he’d given up just to come here and sing songs about dicks? And what would they think about his relationship with Danny specifically? Things hadn’t been awkward when he came out to them in the first place, but how would they take his boyfriend? Would they think they were a good fit, or would they advise Brian to think about looking for love elsewhere?

He couldn’t even imagine sitting with either of his parents and telling them about his depth of feeling for Danny – how he _burned_ for him to the deepest part of his core. They’d never really been that type of family in the first place. How could he pretend that they would’ve had excellent advice to give him, or even the patience to listen?

Danny’s family adored him. They were probably listening to anecdotes about his work and his friends and…

Brian? Had he even ever told them about him? Had he ever came out? Did they love him even still?

They had to. No doubt they loved him and built him up, and…and worshiped him. Admired him for everything he’d done when life felt so impossible. They respected their Danny, who’d thrown his medication into water, who’d not gone back to it, who’d learned to stand on his own two feet. Their incredibly whole Danny. Brave. Strong. Full of everything that the world seemed to lack.

He was whole. That was it, really. He wasn’t broken inside, like some people were, and he didn’t even realize that, did he?

As his thoughts turned and spun, losing coherency, he realized he was staring into the box with a book in each hand, unmoving – almost unbreathing. How long had he been kneeling there? When had he stopped paying attention? Brian set the books down with more care than he’d ever used in his life, then leaned back against the couch, staring at the ceiling. He tried to apply logic to why he couldn’t breathe deeply. There had to be a reason for it. There always was. It was easy, if he’d only try…

Somehow he ended up on his back on the couch with all the lights on, still in his clothes, teeth unbrushed, brain unfocused. He fell asleep there with his hands folded over his stomach and his too-small lungs.

Dreams were a window into the soul, and he knew it well. He dreamed of his beautiful, perfect Danny, being carried away by millions of adoring people, and when he tried to follow them, he tripped into a hole, where he yelled and begged for help and was never once even thought of.

And then he woke up and forgot about it before his eyes were even open – was only left with the lingering sense of unease that robbed him of safety even here, in his own home.

 

~~

 

Even with Danny’s return to work, Brian was unsettled. He couldn’t find the words to ask him about his time away – how he’d enjoyed it, how his parents were, if his sister was well – and Danny didn’t volunteer the information to him either. He had too much to catch up on at work. Day in and day out he was recording videos with Arin, barely even pausing for lunch, and the quick hand squeezes and cheek kisses that Brian used to prize felt like nothing more than excuses now. Apologies, perhaps, for how he was in no real hurry to get back to him.

The move was almost here, and nothing was done – but Danny hadn’t even asked about it. And perhaps that was for the better.

Three days until the move, Brian ended up in the kitchen at work, his hands trembling as he reached for the pot of coffee. Did he need more? He wasn’t sure. His eyelids were heavy, though, and his control was fraying, to the point where his emails were piling up and he ignored conversations and let the list of his responsibilities go unfulfilled.

Coffee. Coffee was the answer.

The pot was full, almost overflowing onto his hand, and he hyperfocused every ounce of his attention on it, feeling blindly for the mug overhead while keeping an eye on the level of steaming coffee. A slip – just the barest movement of his fingers – had the mug falling, where it shattered on the counter, spraying shards of ceramic across his chest as he exclaimed and slammed the pot down.

“Fuck!” Brian concaved forward, shoulders rising, chest collapsing beneath the weight of his shout. That word – just one word – encapsulated everything he was losing and that he feared, and he _felt_ the break on the edge of his tone just before his teeth clicked shut painfully.

_Breathe._ He stared at the massive pieces of the bland white mug surrounding him, his hands splayed on the countertop. _Don’t stop breathing. Don’t let go. Don’t do anything._ The shards blurred before his eyes as his breathing came faster and faster, over and over and over, until his heart burned. Fragile ribs splintered under the pounding weight of it.

And then he felt the eyes.

“You okay?”

Arin. Brian squeezed his eyes shut, bit his lips, and stood up tall so quickly he nearly lost balance. “Fine.” With one quick movement he jerked his chin upward and applied the veneer, then turned to look at his boss.

The naked concern on his expression nearly brought him to his knees.

He thought to that earlier lunch invitation weeks beforehand. The curious look in his gaze. Brian had interpreted it as Arin simply seeing him as a puzzle – like a toy that he wanted to tinker with until he was satisfied – but no, there was something far more frightening therein.

He knew. He _knew_ exactly what Brian was struggling with. How could he read him so easy? Was it that obvious? Did everyone know what a fucking waste of air Brian was? That he was a shitstain smeared across the ground?

“Brian.” Arin wrinkled his brow. “Sit down, dude, you’re shaking.”

“I’m fine. I haven’t slept.” The lies came easier than truth, spilling over his lips, and he had a vivid flashback – Arin’s words against his ear through the phone six months before, the quiet _Nothing is fucked,_ and how it had lulled him to think that everything could be _okay_ with Danny, not risking falling apart like it was now. “Once I actually get some decent fucking rest and get this move over with, I’ll...yeah, I’ll be fine.”

Brian was so used to any word he said being enough to convince Danny. Why would Brian lie to him if it wasn’t for humor, after all? There was no motivation for it. Arin, however, didn’t look convinced. Nothing about his expression changed. Only the inescapable _worry_ pressing down on him.

“I think we should go sit down together,” Arin said far slower, like he was still thinking through his plan of attack, and the itching in Brian’s legs only grew. “If you’re, uh, tired or whatever, we can get you settled on the couch, catch a few z’s, and then we can talk afterward, maybe?”

In seconds, Arin would no doubt get his footing as Brian’s boss again. He was _good_ at what he did – fucking great, even – but the normally unflappable Brian was keeping him from transitioning straight into expressing his concern and asking him if everything was all right at home and if maybe he was having some kind of second thoughts about this move, if he didn’t deserve it or happiness with Danny or-

No, he couldn’t be allowed to figure that out. If he went down that rabbit hole, Brian was damn sure they’d never get out.

“I’m fine,” Brian snapped. He was moving before he even realized it. He pushed past Arin. Arin hit the doorframe, and Brian moved down the hallway. “I’m just, I’m going to run an errand, and I’ll be right back.”

The next thing he was aware of was sitting in his car, hands on the wheel, staring outside. How tempting it would be to drive home. He remembered doing that last time. Remembered emptying his stomach into the toilet until he felt as empty as he was as a human being – the vacant shell, the remnants left behind of who Brian was before he realized how utterly unexceptional he was and withered and died. He could do it now. He could go home and shut himself up, and maybe everyone would forget until tomorrow.

Or maybe he’d keep sitting here for an hour and wouldn’t even realize it.

He had nowhere to go. No errands to do. He drove around the block four times on pure autopilot before he pulled back into the parking lot and came inside.

He would just...find Arin and smooth things over, like they’d never happened. He’d give him a smile and a joke and some fingerguns, and then they’d move on, right? Easy. He stepped inside the thunderous air conditioner of their specific chain of offices and headed down the hallway, looking for him. Not in his office. Not in the kitchen. Not even Danny was at their desks.

That was when the cool panic began to set in.

As a rule, private conversations were rarely held in the recording area due to the backup microphones being constantly on at all times so that they’d never risk losing footage in the event of an emergency shutdown. It was considered a violation of privacy. Sensitive situations needed to be respected, lest they open up an entire can of worms.

Yet when Brian finally went to the last place he looked – the studio itself – what he saw brought him to a stop. Arin and Danny, sitting together, Danny’s back to the glass, Arin’s brow furrowed as he talked. He had no way of hearing what they were saying, but what _else_ could they be talking about? Who else was having a fucking breakdown in the middle of the office just because a mug had broken? Brian lingered at the furthest door. There had to be a new plan of attack. How likely was it that he could get Danny to completely ignore everything coming out of Arin’s mouth? He imagined himself bursting in and flinging himself between them in slow motion, shouting, _begging_ for Danny not to listen.

The fantasy hadn’t even finished when Arin locked eyes with him and shut his mouth – and then Danny turned his head.

He was wearing that goddamn _concern_ now too.

Brian left. He ran. And this time he went home.

 

~~

 

It wasn’t like he’d left _incredibly_ early. In no time at all, everyone else would be heading home, Brian reasoned to himself, and thus he hadn’t exactly given them huge reason to worry. Danny wouldn’t come running over – at least, he wasn’t likely to, especially with how busy he was – and Brian could head everything off at the pass.

He just...needed to look like he was busy, in case there was a trap. If Danny walked in with his key - _why the fuck did I even give him that?_ \- he’d see that the apartment was a disaster. The signs of Brian’s half focused packing were scattered from wall to wall – objects that he’d begun wrapping in newspaper before leaving them on the floor, a trail of books from the shelf to a box that was half empty, abandoned dishes on the kitchen counter that he’d never quite gotten to washing. A man lived in a fugue state here. And he had to hide the signs. He couldn’t let them worry. Couldn’t let them _know._

Packing was easy, he reasoned. No one sane struggled with something this simple, especially when they were over forty years old and had a doctorate in an extremely prestigious field.

But there was too much. Every time that Brian touched something – intent on packing it to lessen the damage – something else caught his eye, and he would put it down and wander over, then freeze again, head turning to the next object. By the time he heard his phone ringing, he hadn’t done a damn thing.

He picked up his phone, then dropped it on the couch when he saw Danny’s name. Feeling like a child, Brian chewed on a hangnail and stared at the screen, listening to the quiet vibrating until, finally, it went silent. He looked away. What kind of man did this? Who ignored their lover like they were nothing? How was he going to explain this?

Why did he feel so completely out of control of his own life?

His phone buzzed with a voicemail, and he forced himself to take a deep breath and listen to it.

_”Hey! Um, this is Danny! I guess you already knew that, uh...listen, I just wanted to see how you were doing. I realized we hadn’t really...seen each other for the past couple of weeks, outside of work, and, like, with the move coming up, I kind of left you hanging instead of asking if I could help, and that was shitty of me, and...and I’m sorry. Um, can you give me a call and just let me know how you’re doing? I’d really like to hear from you. Love you!”_

The message was dangerous. As Brian dropped the phone slowly back to his hip, he stared at the wall and felt the ever pressing weight of Danny’s worry on his shoulders. So this was it. This was how everyone found out that Brian – the man who held everything together like he was made of steel – was falling apart. Going insane. Collapsing from the inside out. This was how the world found out that he wasn’t worth his salt.

This was how Danny slowly discovered that Brian was weak and so not worth everything he’d given him.

_We can still fix this._

The spark of panic flared into a smoldering wildfire, ripping through Brian as he grabbed his phone, his keys, and his wallet and headed straight for the door.

Brian was a master of deception and lies. For years he’d made a brand out of insulting humor. The amount of times that he’d spewed falsehoods just to make Danny think he wasn’t attracted to him was in the hundreds. And he could still lean on that here too. That was all it would take: just one little lie, and he could get his life back on target again.

He was fine. He _was._ He’d held it together for decades, and he wasn’t about to let go now.

The drive to Danny’s was done in the same fog he’d been struggling with for weeks, with the sharp-teethed voices in the back of his mind muttering viciousness that he could barely even translate. It was better this way, they said – better for Brian not to be _known_ by a single person. If they found out what a fraud he was, they’d be happy to take the excuse to leave him. If they realized how he was only a mockery of a comedian, they’d turn their backs. If they knew he couldn’t do a damn thing without second guessing every step of the way, they’d finally realize how foolish he was.

It was better to hide it all. And Danny was just gullible enough to take it. After all, everyone wanted to take the easy way out. If Brian offered him the opportunity to pull the wool a little more over his eyes, he’d _thank_ him for it – anything so he didn’t have to do the hard work of...of comforting, or…

Unbidden, images of Suzy holding Arin’s hand and talking to him quietly in the office during times of tight deadlines or sharp criticism or a dropped sponsorship deal raced through his mind. How Arin leaned into her. How she accepted the weight of him and pulled him in close and held him together when he was feeling weak. What did that feel like, to be so vulnerable with another human being? To know that they could be relied on to carry the burdens of their loved ones when they became just a little too heavy?

He couldn’t remember ever giving someone that opportunity. Not even once.

Fuck, his throat hurt. It tightened with a knot, and he swallowed it back down.

He pulled sideways into Danny’s driveway and climbed out of his car, making a beeline for the front door with his keys clacking in his shaking hand. He knocked on the door, and the second it opened, he pushed inside.

“Hey!” Danny grabbed him by the shoulder. “God, I’m fucking glad to see you. What’s up? Why didn’t you just call me back?”

The gleaming adoration in Danny’s eyes were almost enough to bring everything tumbling down. Every piece of the mismatched stones that Brian had shoved together into the tower that held him high above others...just one word of love from Danny would blow them over and leave nothing but the cracked foundation that he was so desperate to hide.

He couldn’t do that. If Danny saw – if he knew everything he’d been hiding…

Brian made one last ditch effort toward deception. It was easy. All he had to do was lean on Danny’s weakest point – even if it made him feel sick to do.

“Sometimes a guy just has to see his boyfriend.” Brian cupped Danny’s cheeks, scratchy with stubble, and came up onto his tiptoes, holding his gaze. “You missed me, didn’t you? You said it yourself. So here I am.”

Danny wrinkled his brow. “Brian...”

“There’s nothing to talk about.” He thumbed over Danny’s bottom lip. “Just a guy who’s sick and tired of waiting to see his lover. You feel that way too, right?”

“I-I mean, yeah, but-”

“Then c’mon.” He pressed their chests together and let his warm breath tickle over his mouth. “Show me how much you missed me. Make love to me like you mean it.”

Hesitation. For once, Danny didn’t reach out and touch Brian. He didn’t drag him in. And that just meant Brian would have to do a little more of the work himself.

He kissed him with a hum, tilting his head to deepen it immediately, and closed his eyes, trying to focus on the heat of Danny’s body against his. He’d wanted him for years. He’d jerked off to him every damn time he was drunk and home alone. The amount of times that he’d whispered Danny’s name into a pillow while some anonymous guy fucked him from behind was innumerable.

So why couldn’t he just turn his fucking brain off and enjoy this?

He forced himself to slide a hand through Danny’s hair, just barely avoiding tangling in the messy curls, and he felt the other man’s breath hitch as he touched him. _Yeah, c’mon, just like that, give in to me._ As Danny melted slowly, he slid his arms around Brian’s waist, one hand fisting in his shirt.

Just like he was supposed to. Almost on cue. Thank God, _thank God._

He just had to get Danny to fuck him. If he could goad him on until he was bruising Brian’s hips in those beautiful hands of his, then even better. He just needed him to let go. He needed him to see that Brian was _fine,_ and that he didn’t need to worry, and that everything was going to be okay, and nothing was going to fall apart.

He needed Danny to fucking swallow him whole. Trap him in his ribs. Let him snuggle up right next to his heart, where it was warm and safe.

Danny tried to pull away from the kiss, but Brian pursued him, and he felt the moan against his lips as he gave into him again. The bedroom wasn’t too far away, but Brian didn’t know if he trusted himself to get Danny that far without questions coming up.

It had been quite a while since he’d been fucked on the floor, feeling the carpet fibers scrape his body to hell and back. Did Danny still have lube in here? He’d jokingly told him that he had a bottle of lube in every room in the house, just in case – that it was always good for a gag, at least, even if it never got used. Condoms? Whatever. They were fluid bonded now.

He didn’t fucking want anybody else, just...just Danny, just _this,_ just the promise that it would never end.

Promises fell apart as fast as cheap toys. So did wedding rings. So did mortgages and two names on the insurance and everything whispered between the sheets-

God, his mind was fucking everywhere. He zeroed in on Danny again, coaxing him down to the ground, until he could scramble into his lap and grind against the hardness he felt in his jeans. Brian winced – he himself wasn’t hard, and the sensitivity of his flaccid cock being pressed against something so unforgiving was painful in a _horrible_ way rather than a pleasurable one, but…

Fuck, why wasn’t he fucking hard?!

He eased a hand between their hips to hide it, bucking the heel of his palm against Danny’s cock and swallowing up the sweet moans he fed him in response. Tongues tangled, slick and hot.

It was when Danny reached to lace their other hands together that Brian’s heart skittered in his chest.

What was he doing? Why did he think this was the right way to go?

_Just...get over it, Jesus, just let him fuck you, c’mon, he’s ready, he’s into it, and he’ll forget all about whatever the hell is going on in your head if you can just man up and do this shit._

Brian let go of his hand and reached between them to open up Danny’s jeans. He pushed him to the floor with his chest and held him there, panting against his mouth for just a second before he resumed the sloppy, unfocused kisses – ones that Danny kept trying to take control of, and that Brian would ignore. He yanked his lover’s jeans and boxers down and took him in hand, jerking him to full hardness with no real rhythm. His palm felt too dry against the smooth skin of Danny’s cock and he bit back the urge to apologize.

Just a little more. Maybe he could even try to take him dry. It’d hurt like hell, they’d be risking pain and bleeding and...but maybe it’d be better than stopping to look for the lube, and-

Danny’s hand suddenly touched between Brian’s legs, flush against his soft dick. And he froze.

They both did. Brian kept his lips lightly pressed against Danny’s, brain frantically looking for an excuse. A solution.

Danny turned his head and let out a shaky breath and, goddamn it all, but he spoke before Brian could think to kiss him again. “You’re not...you’re not hard.”

Fuck. _Fuck._ Any other day it would’ve taken no time at all for Brian to quip something out and get the show on the road again, but here? Now? A cold sweat beaded over his neck and forehead, and he dropped his hands to the carpet, holding there, staring at Danny’s chest.

“Are you not enjoying this?”

_I love it,_ Brian wanted to say. But he couldn’t loosen his jaw. His teeth ground together painfully, making his vision blur.

“You don’t need to do this,” Danny said quietly, his soft voice tickling over Brian’s skin. A drop of sweat ghosted down his own cheek, as if chasing the words. “I’d rather just talk to you. See what’s going on. You don’t have to keep...hiding it.”

Something began building in Brian’s stomach as he sat up slowly. It traveled gradually up his chest. His throat.

“It’s...it’s been hard, isn’t it?” Danny whispered. “You didn’t want me to know it was hard. That...that something was going on. Because if I did...”

Brian shook his head. Where were the words to tell him to shut up? Why was he trembling?

“...if I knew something was wrong, I’d ask, and you wouldn’t be able to hide it anymore.”

Oh God, oh God, _oh God…_

Danny touched his cheek – his sweat-slick, overheated, ugly, disgusting cheek. “Brian, please tell me what’s wrong. I can’t watch you like this. I love you too much to let you hurt like this alone.”

Brian was off him like a flash.

“Brian!”

He ran – but he ran straight down the hall, stumbling into the bathroom and flinging himself on his knees in front of the toilet. It was too similar, spilling the contents of his stomach because of _Danny_ \- almost like the past few months hadn’t even happened.

The difference was that he wasn’t alone. Arms wrapped around his ribs, a warm and insistent presence, and Brian squeezed his eyes shut.

Humiliation wouldn’t even come to him, and neither would shame. After all this time of holding back, hot tears streamed down his cheeks as he struggled to take a full breath. “I-I can’t anymore,” Brian stammered. His fingers dug into the porcelain, trembling, trying to find purchase in anything around him. “It’s too much, i-it’s just too...”

“I’ve got you.” Danny’s voice, though tight with emotion, was soft in his ears, like silk dragged over sensitive skin. “It’s okay, Bri, I’m here, I’ve got you, you’re not alone anymore.”

He leaned back into the weight of Danny, nothing left to vomit, and shook in his arms, head tilting back so that the light from the hallway bled past his eyelids. The sounds he made – choked sobs – didn’t sound human, and he scarcely believed they came from him. All he knew and felt was the pain in his body, everything he’d been holding back for months – years – coming out in his tears. The fear, the agony, the knowledge that no one could put up with the amount of shit that Brian carried in his heart.

But Danny was right there. _Right there._ He wasn’t leaving. He was rocking Brian back and forth and whispering sweet comforting words. “You’re never gonna be alone again,” he said at one point in a voice that barely sounded like his own, and Brian had just enough presence of mind to realize that _Danny_ was crying too.

Brian hadn’t let anyone see his tears in years. He hadn’t let anyone cry for him in even longer. But here, in this tiny safe room, with nothing but love surrounding him, even as horrible as it felt to let go, he couldn’t do anything else.

Not when Danny was giving him permission – and the acceptance to spill over the riverbanks.

Brian twisted in his arms and buried his face in Danny’s neck, soaking him in tears as he clung to him like a child. Yet Danny held on. He was firm. He wouldn’t be toppled over like a Lego tower. Everything that Brian feared – that he was too much for someone, that he didn’t deserve to be loved, that it was only a matter of time before he was left alone – stayed at bay. None of it came true.

There was time yet for his thoughts to be proven right. But he was damn glad it wasn’t tonight.

After long minutes of weeping, strength left Brian, until he was dry of tears and aching. He wasn’t a young man anymore. He couldn’t just throw himself around and have tantrums like this without a bone deep burning in all parts of his body – his bruised knees, his pained lungs, his red eyes. But even as he whispered two words - “I’m sorry” - Danny didn’t let go.

“Let’s get you to bed,” Danny murmured, running a hand through the short cropped hair on top of Brian’s head and leaving tingling in his wake. “C’mon. Easy does it.”

Never had Brian seen this side of Danny before – this calm, gentle, coaxing part of him that drew Brian up to his feet. He could almost imagine him taking a crying child into his arms and carrying him away to rock him until he could breathe again. He’d never said a word about wanting children, but the image was fixed in Brian’s mind now so vividly that he let the fascination distract him from just how hard it was to stand.

He leaned into Danny heavily with a sigh that nearly started his tears again – how was he _so tired?_ The steps out of the bathroom, into the hallway, and down to the bedroom should’ve taken seconds, but they felt like hours, each careful placement of his foot taking intense deliberation lest he bring them both down to the ground.

He’d pulled all nighters while working on his PHD. He and Danny _both_ had stayed up for days on end when they were at a crunch point with their albums. But he’d never felt this exhausted before.

_It’s all caught up to me,_ he thought with a certain calm. _It’s here. There’s no getting out of it, is there?_

It was a bit clumsy, but once he sat Brian on the edge of his bed, Danny tugged the shirt over Brian’s head, along with his shoes and jeans. He hesitated and looked at his dresser – considering pajamas, maybe – before he shook his head and gently eased Brian down. His head landed on a pillow as soft as a cloud.

Faint panic sparked in his gut, and he grabbed hold of Danny’s hands, looking up at him with wide eyes.

“I’m here.” Danny smiled at him. He kicked off his pants and crawled into bed in his shirt and boxers, then curled up beside him. “It’s okay, Bri. Everything’s gonna be okay now. Got it?”

Brian opened his mouth, but his voice, so raw from crying, was impossible to find, and he settled for nodding as he nuzzled into the soft, well worn cotton of his lover’s t-shirt. A deep breath filled his mind with nothing but Danny – his smile, his laugh, his _love._

Under the hand petting up and down his back and the quiet, faint humming of what Brian recognized as a lullaby, he fell asleep within seconds, plunging into a dreamless state of weariness.

 

~~

 

_He’s out._ Danny let out a deep breath and closed his eyes as he felt Brian relax. _He’s out, okay, it’s...it’s okay._

How he’d managed to hold up such a calm facade, he had no idea. He wasn’t built for this. Going from burning alive for Brian’s touch to crying into the back of his neck within sixty seconds nearly gave him whiplash. Hell, the fact that he’d even gotten him calm in the first place when he was falling apart at the seams...

How had he missed all the fucking signs along the way?

Danny rubbed his eyes as he rolled onto his back, tugging Brian closer as he went. Brian twitched in his sleep, but stayed under, and Danny exhaled slowly.

It didn’t make sense for Brian to fall apart. That was part of it. Brian was an incredible wall of intellect and cleverness. He didn’t give into these silly emotions like everybody else around him. He was unflappable to the very end. Right?

Apparently not.

God, how he’d shaken while Danny held him. He’d sounded like a fucking wild animal as he let out all the shit he’d been dealing with, wail after wail after wail. Danny was used to a more primal Brian in one instance only, and what happened in the bathroom had nothing to do with that. How eagerly he’d tried to seduce Danny – and how quickly he’d succeeded…

Had he done that before?

Danny’s mind flitted to the last time Brian had been so eagerly spontaneous – the bathroom at the restaurant – and covered his eyes as the weight of what must have been going on in Brian’s head sank down on him. He’d been trying to escape. Or distract him. Or _both._ And Danny had played right into his hands.

What a fucking shitty boyfriend he was, letting himself get caught up in being busy and working his ass off instead of paying attention to how Brian was falling apart. When was the last time he’d offered to help him pack for the move? Or that he’d even stopped by just to see him? Was this all about the move and nothing else?

No, the man who’d fallen to pieces and cried like that, it had to be about something different than planning for a new future. Right? Or was he wrong?

He couldn’t do this by himself. There was a reason that Danny’s preferred method of helping people going through things leaned on distraction rather than intimate conversation. He hadn’t even asked Brian what he needed, or said anything to help. All he could do was hold him and cry with him.

The depth of despair that Brian had felt… Even now, it could suffocate Danny as he considered it. He’d never been as empathetic with someone like he was with Brian. Was this what love was, truly and deeply, or was there a connection there that he could only ever have with this man?

So many questions. So much pain. So much that Danny couldn’t just _fix._ He hadn’t been in a long term relationship in years. How was he supposed to know how to handle it without fucking things up and making Brian feel worse?

_Arin._ He thought of the words he’d shared earlier that day – how he pointed out none so delicately that Brian was fraying at the seams, and had been for quite some time. How he’d shaken Danny out of his cluelessness and had told him with complete seriousness that if he _loved_ Brian, he’d call him on his bullshit and get him to stop hiding whatever was going on. He’d anticipated having to do a little more work to get him to come out about it. He’d thought there would be deflection and laughter. The afterglow, he’d reasoned as Brian plied him with kisses, would be the perfect time to get him to start opening up about it, both of them floating in the honest intimacy that they ended up in every time.

Arin had been doing this for a lot longer than Brian and Danny had. He and Suzy had one of the healthiest relationships he’d ever seen. So maybe he could help.

Danny gently extricated himself from Brian’s arms, and when he heard the other man mumble something in his sleep he leaned to kiss his forehead, his heart swelling in his chest. He needed all the help he could get.

He wasn’t going to risk losing Brian over something as simple as this. As surprised as he’d been by the events of the day, he still knew him. He knew that Brian wouldn’t hesitate to run, if he thought it was better for Danny. Hadn’t he done that already? He’d gone to a whole fucking other country just to get some distance between them, even when he knew that Danny was falling apart over it – all to hide how he felt.

_No more of that._ Danny stroked Brian’s cheek, his forehead creasing with fervor. _It’s you and me, man. You’re not gonna call the shots for me anymore. We’re figuring this life shit out together._

As he left him sleeping in his bed, Danny closed the door quietly behind him, then went to the living room and pulled out his phone. He shot Arin a text. “ _Can you maybe come talk to me about Brian? He’s here at my house. Sleeping. Things got bad. I think we’re fine, but I don’t know what the fuck to do when he wakes up.”_

Arin’s quick _“On my way now”_ reassured Danny to the point of sitting down and taking a deep breath. If he held all this in, would he melt down just like Brian had? He thought of the therapy he used to have – how it was the only place he could actually talk about what he was feeling without worrying what others would think of him. Suddenly he missed it, and he regretted laying his shit on Arin when he was just a friend – not even a professional paid to get his time taken up.

Was there a decent therapist nearby in town?

He didn’t have to wait long. Traffic appeared blessedly light, and a few minutes later there was a text coming through. _“I’m outside. Didn’t wanna knock and wake him up.”_ Small favors. Danny went to the door and let Arin in, and immediately hugged him. Something he was thankful for in his relationship was that it inspired him to be more relaxed with touching his friends. That hug felt like the one thing keeping him afloat.

“Hey,” Arin murmured, squeezing him unabashedly in his arms. “He still asleep?”

“Yeah.” Danny pulled back and sighed. “I-I honestly don’t think he’s slept much for weeks now. You were right. He looks like fucking hell.”

Arin looked at the bedroom door as he moved past, rubbing the back of his neck, while Danny locked the door again behind him. “Yeah. Hell, he might sleep through the night. Might be just what he needs.”

Danny leaned into the door and curled his hand into a fist against it. “How didn’t I see it? I fucking work _right next_ to him-”

“Hey.” Arin caught his arm and pulled him away, guiding him toward the couch. “No, don’t do that. That’s just gonna eat you up inside, dude. The past is the past. You gotta move forward. Both of you do.”

Danny nodded. They sat together, Danny perched right on the edge of the cushion, wanting to be able to spring to his feet if he heard Brian so much as start to stir. “I just...I was so fucking blind. My own boyfriend...I hate that I didn’t catch it. I don’t know how to do better in the future.”

“We can talk about that later.” Arin kicked off his shoes and curled up on the couch, watching Danny closely. “We’ve gotta talk about Brian, man. I don’t know what he’s gonna do when he wakes up. He’s been pretty damn deflective for weeks now. He could just try to pretend that nothing happened, or that we’re blowing it out of proportion, or...”

“Yeah.” He tented his hands and pressed them to his lips. The temptation to let more self hatred pour out was almost impossible to resist, but...no, he had to focus on Brian right now. All of him. “What do you think was going on? I haven’t even gotten to ask him yet.”

“You didn’t get anything?”

Danny shook his head. “He got here, he tried to, uh...distract me, and then when I tried to get him to talk he just fucking broke down. Threw up. Started crying. It was fucking bad, dude. Broke my goddamn heart.” His throat tightened up again in response, and he looked away. “Did I do this? Did me asking him to move in do it?”

“No, I don’t think that adds up. Didn’t you say he was excited when you first talked about it?”

“I think he was.” Every part of their relationship was cast in a different light now. He didn’t want to believe that Brian had been lying to him about how he was feeling this entire time – that he was happy and at ease in their relationship – but how was he supposed to tell for sure? “He’d...yeah, he looked like he was super stoked that I’d even brought it up. We talked about how I wanted him to know I was serious. He didn’t try to talk me out of it, he just...”

Arin hummed quietly in acknowledgment, and Danny felt like he could break under the gentle sympathy. “I don’t think this was your fault. If you’re thinking it is, get it out of your head right now.”

Bastard, knowing exactly what Danny was thinking. He stared at his feet instead of looking at Arin and showing him every damn thought in his head.

“Have you ever seen him break down like that today?”

Danny shook his head. “Not once. We’ve spent so much time together, and I’ve never seen him tear up. Not even when he’d get drunk and talk about his parents or anything, it was just...calm. Serene.”

Arin sighed. “That means it probably goes back fucking far as dicks.”

“You think so?” He blinked at him.

“Yeah. What’s the phrase, still waters run deep?” Arin stared back at him, chewing on his bottom lip thoughtfully. “Like, let’s think about what we know. He’s a perfectionist. He’s a master of bragging humor. He builds himself up constantly-”

“-and maybe it’s the opposite of what he feels?” Danny wrinkled his brow. “That’s what you’re getting at?”

“I mean, it could be, right?”

Had he been barely holding himself together their entire friendship? Danny thought back, remembering quiet conversations years before they even met Arin, when Brian would let something self-deprecating slip out under his breath, then laugh it off when Danny would look at him – as if he hadn’t even thought he’d notice what he said.

“What the fuck do I do?” Danny asked quietly.

“Talk to him.” Arin put a hand on Danny’s arm, a quiet but strong connection that Danny clung to. “Find out what he’s going through. Then just...go from there.”

“To what?” Danny bubbled up with a bitter laugh. “How am I gonna be any help to him? I’m just the asshole who brags about how he fucking stopped therapy and medication all on his own! No trouble! Just, yep, toss your pill bottle in the fucking water, guys, it’s all good!”

“You don’t do that,” Arin murmured. “Every single time you tell that story, you make sure to say that people all have to do things differently – that you got _lucky._ What do you think’s gonna happen, that you’ll just...send him over the edge?”

Danny covered his face with his hands. Utter helplessness spread through him. “I just...I don’t...”

“Danny, listen to me. You’re the only person here, between the two of us, who knows what it feels like when everything’s too hard to bear. When you can’t figure out how to go on anymore. And if Brian feels even a _little_ bit like that...then you’re the best person to help him.”

“But I might fuck up-”

“Okay.”

Danny looked up at him, frowning.

“People fuck up.” Arin slid closer and wrapped an arm around his shoulders, and Danny collapsed into him. “I’m not saying you’re supposed to save him, dude – that’d be fucked up of me. _Brian_ has to be the one to decide he wants help for whatever it is he might be going through. But you can be by his side and show him that it’s not a lost cause.” He paused. “The amount of times that Suzy has brought me up out of a fog just with her telling me she loves me, or that I’m not alone, or pointing out something about me that she thinks is amazing...it’s incredible. It _works._ And it’ll work for you too.”

“It’s not that easy, is it?”

Arin shook his head with a wry sort of smile. “It’s never easy. I wish it was. Whatever’s gonna happen here, it’s a process, okay? You know that.”

He did. It had taken ages until he felt exasperated enough to throw away his medication, then even longer before he came out from under the foggy withdrawal of what it had done to him. He’d been warned it wouldn’t be easy, and they were right. “I just...want him to know I’m not running away. Even if he feels like shit. Even if things feel hard. I’m staying.”

“Then tell him that.”

Danny nodded. “Yeah.” It wasn’t hard. Just being the one to tell Brian that he wasn’t alone – even if he thought he deserved it – could do so much good, he thought optimistically. And it was one step toward doing better than he had. No more missing the signs of his lover struggling. He didn’t want to baby him or hold his hand all the time – and Brian would probably throw a fit if he did – but he had to get his head out of his own ass.

Things had changed for them. Their relationship was completely different than it ever had been before. He couldn’t keep treating Brian like he was still just his best friend and nothing else. He had to keep his eyes open and see things that he might’ve never called him on before because of how he was raised – believing that guys had to work through their shit on their own.

He wouldn’t have ignored the signs of a girlfriend going through pain or trauma. He wasn’t going to do that for his boyfriend either.

“Do you really think I can help him and not ruin everything?” he asked quietly, searching Arin’s gaze for answers. “That...that I can stick around and show him how serious I am about this? And help him through shit?”

Arin grinned. There wasn’t a single question in his eyes. No doubt. No consideration. Just a strong, unwavering faith – exactly what he needed. “Dude, you know you can do _anything,_ right? If I had to pick, I’d always want you at my back.”

It was so weird, how things had changed in just the past few months. Before he’d dated Brian, Danny would’ve laughed and joked away from the way his words embraced his heart and made him feel… _happy._ He would’ve shied away from feeling an intimacy between the two of them. But it was okay. It wasn’t weird or bad or wrong. It didn’t make Danny weak.

Finally he could see why Arin loved being as open and touchy-feely and kind as he was. It felt fucking amazing, if he could just drop his guard and invite people in.

“You want me to stick around for a while?” Arin asked quietly.

“Nah.” Danny slipped out from under his arm and stood with a sigh. “I...I want it to be just me, this first time. Is that selfish?”

“What, to want to be the guy your boyfriend leans on? To want to prove to him that you’re gonna stick by him no matter what?” Arin scoffed and rolled his eyes, smile widening. “You’re golden, bro, c’mon.”

Danny pulled Arin into a hug. Only a moment of hesitation – surprise, he was willing to bet – happened before Arin wrapped his arms around him in response. “Thank you. Seriously. I-I feel like I can actually do this now – whatever it is.”

“You need anything, you call me, okay? I’m serious. Any day, any time, I’m here.”

Danny squeezed his eyes shut and shakily exhaled. He’d never had such a fervent belief in someone being like a brother to him. He _believed_ Arin. “Thank you. Uh, same, I mean it.”

Arin broke the embrace with a beaming smile. “Text me tonight about how things went, okay?”

“You got it.”

As Danny let Arin out, he lingered at the door, watching him walk away with a quiet sigh. Regardless of how Arin had built him up, there was still the temptation to be intimidated by what was about to happen. He had no idea what had made Brian break down in such a disastrous way. If it had anything to do with Danny, he’d feel guiltier than he could say, and the likelihood that he’d break down again was high. It was terrifying to think about. He didn’t want someone he loved to turn into that ruined, animalistic creature again. He wanted him to be _okay._

_It’ll take time,_ he reminded himself as he slipped back inside and shut the door behind him. _Stay the course. Talk to him. And it’ll be okay._

He made his way to the bedroom and lingered for a moment, watching Brian’s peacefully sleeping face. Was there tension still in his body? Pain? Could he feel what was hurting him even still?

He crawled under the sheets with him and curled up close. He’d wait.

 

~~

 

When he began to stir, he was sore as hell.

For a few blissful moments, Brian had no memory of what had happened to make him so tense in the first place – and then it came crashing down, every single thing he’d been trying to avoid for weeks, and he heaved a sigh and rubbed his eyes.

It had come for him, then. All of it. All the pain. The agony. The fear. The frustration. It had hit him all at once to the tune of Danny’s voice.

But it was okay. He could still talk his way out of it. Though he felt exhausted down to his bones, sleep wasn’t an option anymore, and he felt oddly like he’d gone through some kind of catharsis. So he needed to have a breakdown every now and again. That was just fine. He could manage to do that in a far more private way in the future.

He could even make sure that Danny was calm. That he didn’t think any of this had to do with him. That it was a fluke, and it would never happen again.

Easy.

He opened his eyes, then pulled back when he saw Danny’s face a few inches from his own. Shit. He thought he’d have a few more minutes to figure out a plan. Just seeing the way his eyes sparkled in the low light from the curtains gripped Brian’s heart with guilt. Why wasn’t he stronger? Why did he have to exist in this pathetic, humiliating way? Why had he made Danny worry by seeing him like that?

Danny brushed his fingers over Brian’s cheek, and he fought the urge to lean into his touch. The stronger he could be, the better.

“You can keep sleeping,” Danny murmured. For once, there wasn’t an ever present smile shining at him. Just that quiet neutrality.

Brian grunted and shook his head. He could still taste the vomit in his mouth. He hadn’t even rinsed it out before he fell asleep. He rolled onto his back so Danny didn’t have to smell it. “I’m fine.” Fine in every way. If he kept sleeping, he’d only wake up feeling like he’d been put away wet again, and he would risk it being taken as a sign of weakness. And though he might be weak, Danny sure as hell didn’t need to know that.

“Okay.”

“Seriously. I’m fine.”

Danny hummed in acknowledgment – in that little way that told Brian he didn’t believe him for a second – and he couldn’t help but roll his eyes as he looked toward the closet. Silence stretched between them both. No, Danny suspected that something was very wrong – maybe even _pitied_ him – and it only made the guilt stab claws a little deeper into his soul. _I have to do better. I can’t keep living like this. I have to hide it more. What kind of asshole has a PHD and can’t even put on a good show?_  There was a reason Brian rarely went to improv classes with them. He knew his weaknesses.

Maybe he needed to take a few more anyway.

“Brian.” Danny touched his arm, and the bare tickle sent a shock straight up to his shoulder. He wished he wouldn’t touch him. With every second of contact, Brian felt something lurching in his body – something that could collapse at any moment. “Can we talk about how you’ve been feeling recently-”

“What, tired as hell?” Brian snorted. “That’s how I’ve felt for the past few years, Danny, and if you’re that worried about an old man not getting very good sleep, I regret to inform you that you’re going to be seeing a hell of a lot of it once we’re living together. Insomnia is genetic. My mom had it. I have it. It’s just normal, all right?” He turned his head to look at him – sealing the deal. “Seriously, don’t worry about it.”

Danny stared back at him. For the first time, Brian saw the flicker of hurt in his gaze, and he swallowed it down. He’d punish himself with it. He’d show himself what would happen if he couldn’t get better at dealing with his own shit. He’d lose Danny that much faster.

He could avoid that, if he just _tried._

Danny pressed his lips into a thin line as he flicked his gaze over his face, like he was trying to memorize him. Was this it? Was this where he told him he wouldn’t be moving in? Bile tinged the back of Brian’s throat, and he swallowed, desperately trying to keep it down.

When Danny opened his mouth, his words were quiet but firm. “Why do you need to lie to me?”

He hadn’t expected things to be laid out quite so cleanly. Brian opened his mouth, then closed it again, wrinkling his brow. It was a hell of a question. Apparently he hadn’t done nearly as well with concealing how he’d been feeling as he thought he had. A wordless sound came out, embarrassing, and Brian looked away. He had a sharp awareness of the location of the door. Of where his keys were. Of where he parked. Run, his body whispered, run, _run._

There was nowhere to run, though. Not anymore.

He was a fucking idiot, acting like he could just shove everything down and hide it once more when he’d already showed it in stunning clarity. Only someone worth their salt could manage that game, and Brian certainly wasn’t. The beginnings of hysteria kissed his mind. After all that time spent trying to look like someone _better_ than he was to Danny…

It had been wasted. Either he could lie to him again and hurt him, or he could just...talk about it, so that at least Danny knew he wasn’t trying to burn things down intentionally.

Could he do it? Could he show him an ugly place inside of himself? He tensed, and Danny thumbed over the sensitive skin on his inner arm, up and down and up and down, a dizzying rhythm that made his head spin. _I already did._ He thought of the vomit in the toilet – the second time that he’d spilled from his emotions toward Danny. How did this man have such a grasp of him? How did he made it so damn easy to wiggle deep down inside of Brian and stir up the parts that he hadn’t touched in years?

“I’m not worthy of you.”

Silence. “What?”

He absolutely hadn’t meant to say it out loud. Brian sat up and rubbed his eyes. Lightheaded from his earlier exertions, he nearly tipped out of the bed, and Danny caught him, then kept an arm around his shoulders. Numbness spread deep through him like ice, but the warmth of Danny’s touch began to thaw it, and when he realized his vision was blurring again he felt a stab of familiar panic. No, no, he wasn’t going to _cry_ again. He didn’t fucking _do_ that.

“What do you mean, you’re not worthy of me?” Danny asked softly – coaxing him like he might a wild animal – and Brian choked on another rough sound. What right did Danny have to sound so gentle? So sympathetic? Like he could hold the world on his shoulders like Atlas and never flinch under the weight of it?

Brian was heavy. He could drag him down beneath the surface of his emotions and fucking drown him there. He couldn’t make him suffer like that.

But the game was _so damn exhausting._ Keeping the mask polished and in place, hiding the stress he felt, keeping people distracted by the gilding on his life… Eventually the facade would have to crack. It was only a matter of time before Arin would’ve caught a sign like he had with that coffee mug. Within days of moving in with Danny, he could almost guarantee he would’ve snapped and shattered something. It _had_ to fall apart, logically.

Perhaps it was better for everything to fall to pieces here and now, before Brian had moved in.

“Danny, fucking _look_ at me,” he whispered roughly. He lifted his hands – dry, calloused, wrinkling, already dotting here and there with hints of the age spots to come. Just from that angle he could see the unattractive swell of his belly – could remember how it bulged beneath his shirts no matter how perfect his posture was. He could see the stretch marks that coursed over his thighs where his boxers were riding up. “Don’t you get it?”

Danny crawled around to face him and sat with his knees gently pressed against Brian’s. Brian could instantly see how his face didn’t have a wrinkle on it. How his hair, even flattened from laying on the pillow, held a sort of life to it that spoke of the effervescence inside of him. How his eyelashes were long and his lips smooth. He was gorgeous. “...okay, so, what am I looking at, exactly?” Danny asked as he tilted his head to the side and skimmed his eyes up and down Brian’s face, torso, and legs.

He paused. “...I look like a troll beside you.”

Danny burst out laughing so suddenly that spittle hit Brian’s face, and he covered his mouth as Brian howled in frustration and wiped it away. “I-I’m so sorry, Bri, I just, are you fucking kidding me?” Danny grinned as he reached out and cupped his face. “Fucking look at you. Do you know how annoying it is that all I have to do is look at your eyes and I get hard? Those are panty droppers, man! I’d kill to have your eyes!”

Brian frowned and glanced down. “Okay, but-”

“Guess what?” Danny’s hand slid down to cup the back of Brian’s neck. “You don’t look like a supermodel. And neither do I. I look like a prepubescent boy most days. Do you know who I’d kill to have an ass like you do? I literally look like a child. I can’t stand it.”

That was absolutely impossible. Brian shook his head, but he couldn’t find the words.

“Do you miss the fact that all you have to do is say one damn word to me, and I’m ready to fuck you? Do you think that’s just a game?” Danny looked over him again this time, but far slower. “Like a troll. You’ve gotta be joking. You’re the first guy I’ve ever noticed an attraction to.”

“Is that not suspicious to you? I...Danny, you never felt attraction to a man before? Literally never? That’s not how it works. Attraction can feel _differently_ for various genders, yes, but there’s not just a gay-for-you thing out there outside of movies or books or whatever.”

Danny chewed on his bottom lip as he seemed to consider it. “...you think I’ve never thought about that before? What’re you so worried about there?”

“That I manipulated you into thinking you were attracted to me, obviously.”

Danny shot him a look. The shock in his eyes told Brian that he’d never so much as pondered the idea. “You’re joking.”

“No!” Finally frustration bubbled over. “None of this is joking! Why would I kid about this? Why would I fucking want to throw a wrench in my relationship with the man I fucking love over a _joke?_ Would you stop asking that?!”

With the way he’d leaned back a few inches, Danny was taken aback, but he came forward again just as quickly and rested his hands on Brian’s bare thighs. His touch wiggled past his desire to run all over again, rooting him to the sheets. “Okay. That was fucked up of me to say. I’m sorry, seriously, I wasn’t thinking, but, like...you’ve gotta understand that I’ve never felt that way. Ever. Before I even knew you were interested in me, I was already struggling with how I felt about you. Remember? It wasn’t you, dude. I’d been freaking out about it for fucking years. How the hell could you have manipulated me into wanting you if you’d been literally on the other side of the planet to keep that from happening?”

Ah, logic. Normally his best friend. It felt like his worst enemy now. He only liked logic if it played into his plans, but here? Trying to undo what he’d believed for every damn day they’d been together? Impossible.

“It’s not just that, it’s...” It was all so hard to say. These were dirty little secrets he’d kept quiet for a reason. Even now he wanted to shut down.

“Bri. Please, man, we’ve gotta talk about this.”

But he couldn’t hold it in. Not if Danny was going to sound so desperate.

“You’re going to figure out one day,” Brian murmured, “that I’m not who you think I am.”

Danny watched him so closely that Brian half hoped he could read his mind and see exactly what he meant without him having to say every painful word. “...like, how do you mean that?”

What sort of secrets did Danny think he’d been keeping from him? Brian sighed. “Everyone always thinks that I’m this brilliant perfect guy. Right? Intelligent, educated, no boundaries, no discomforts. It’s obnoxious. Like everybody thinks I’m a fucking robot instead of a man with flesh and blood and too much shit to hide.” He shook his head. “I’m not that smart. C’mon. What kind of genius would deal with the things I do?”

“I don’t understand-”

“The fucking imposter syndrome? Hating what I see every time I look in a mirror? Knowing that it’s only a matter of time before things fall apart? If I was _actually_ smart, I could hold it all back and-”

“Okay, stop there. Stop.” Danny grabbed both of his hands and squeezed them. “First of all, let’s just wipe that shit out of your brain right now, okay? That you need to hide it. Why would you need to do that?”

Spoken like a man who’d never felt the shadow of his failings hanging over him like an anvil. “It’s a lot, Danny. I can’t put everything I think and feel on you. You’d be exhausted. I’d be bleeding you from emotional labor every single fucking day, until you left me...” His throat tightened, and he tried to swallow it down. No. Not right now. He was better than crying like a child every thirty seconds. “I’m not going to make you put up with all of my shit.”

“Even if I want to?”

“Especially if you want to.” He forced himself to hold his gaze. “That’s how relationships go down the tubes. Someone has a Messiah complex, and someone leans on that person too hard and expects them to fix them.”

He knew that Danny couldn’t disagree. They’d seen it happen way too many times in the years they’d been friends – men expecting their girlfriends to be the only person to listen to their fears and pain, girls demanding their boyfriend’s utmost attention every second of every day rather than letting them go out with friends where they couldn’t watch them. The constant societal pressure of having a ‘one and only’ and how unhealthy it was. It would’ve been far too easy for Brian to slip into that mindset. Danny was soft and sweet and spongey, and he would’ve soaked up every bit of Brian’s pain without even questioning it, until it overwhelmed him. Brian would’ve taken and taken and taken, and Danny would’ve crumbled into dust.

He’d never do that to him. Ever.

For a long moment, they were both silent, no rebuttals, no plans, no magic methods to fix everything. But then Danny crawled forward, right into his lap, and wrapped his arms around his neck. He pressed their foreheads together. Brian expected him to kiss him – maybe to lull him away from the darkness in his mind with his body, like Brian always leaned on – but Danny just...stayed there. Held him. Touched him. Shared his breath with him. And, as the seconds ticked by, Brian’s heart pounded.

“I’m not gonna try to fix you, dude,” Danny whispered. He brushed a kiss over the tip of his nose, such a tender gesture that Brian’s eyes watered. “That’s not my job. I know it’s not. You think I’ve never felt like you have?”

Brian closed his eyes and held his breath. He wouldn’t break, _he wouldn’t._

“I’ve been there. I’ve hated myself. I’ve thought I threw my life away. I...” He stayed quiet, but Brian saw an image in his mind anyway – the wall he’d stared at, sitting on his floor, listening to the silence after he’d told Danny he’d be leaving for the United Kingdom. How that must’ve felt...how he must’ve believed that everything he’d ever worked for had fallen to pieces. Maybe even wished he’d never sent the email introducing himself to Brian in the first place.

_I’m so sorry,_ he thought, tucking his arms around Danny’s trim waist and holding him even closer.

“I didn’t wanna be a burden on anybody either. My friends. My girlfriends. My family. It felt like if I told even one person what I was going through, everything would shut down, but...I did end up telling somebody. Just one. You know who?”

Brian shook his head.

“I had a fucking amazing therapist.”

Something sharp and venomous spread through Brian’s mouth. He couldn’t imagine doing that – sitting in front of a stranger once or twice a month, saying every intimate secret he’d ever kept locked down tight. How selfish that seemed. How infuriating a job that had to be, listening to people be _weak_ every single day for hours and hours on end.

He opened his mouth to say something biting, but the words wouldn’t come.

Danny kissed his forehead next, like he didn’t even care how wrinkled it was, and continued to murmur the words against his skin. “You’re a fucking master in your field, Bri. You and me both know you are. You’ve studied that shit until you knew it in your sleep – things nobody else would ever discover. And that’s what she had too, my old therapist. She knew things that none of my friends or family or partners would ever be able to say to help me. She walked me through getting on meds. She walked me through my withdrawal too, when I got off them. She was fucking amazing. If I had my way, I’d take you to _her_ right damn now.”

Brian dug his fingers into the back of Danny’s shirt. Mortified, he realized he was trembling again – that the pressure on his eyes was from how he refused to open his lids even slightly, because he couldn’t let those tears fall.

“We could find you somebody. I wouldn’t let you settle, okay? I’d help you go down a list until you found somebody you felt _right_ with. Someone that didn’t make you feel like you were stupid or weak. Someone who’d help you build your own coping strategies. Who’d help you stop your lies.”

He shook his head out of instinct, but Danny’s words shone light into his chest.

“You know they’re lies, right? You know I love you. That _everybody_ loves you. And all we want is for you to see the handsome, brilliant, talented, incredible man we all see every day.”

He couldn’t believe that. He knew that he was a fantastic liar, and he’d been pulling the wool over people’s eyes for years, but...but _he wanted to believe it._ He wanted to think that the people he loved more than life itself loved him in the exact same way. Could it really be that simple? Why was it so fucking hard to knock the cobwebs out of his brain and think that, just once, he could be loveable?

Danny clung to him. He hugged him until Brian could barely breathe – and then he realized it was from the sobs he was holding back. That Danny could read him – could feel it, and knew exactly what he needed to let go. “Will you just try it? For me? Try getting some help? I-I can’t watch you hate yourself like this. I _love_ you, Brian.”

That was it. It was too much. He buried his face in Danny’s bony shoulder and let out the tears, soaking straight through his shirt. He couldn’t keep doing this on his own. He’d _hated_ himself these past few weeks – far more than he ever had before. Just indulging the thoughts was enough to suffocate him.

He wanted to see the man that Danny saw every time he looked at him. The man that he kissed, hugged, and made love to. The man that made his eyes look like stars when he stared down at him in those moments right before he pressed inside of him. Was Brian so brilliantly deceptive that he’d _made_ Danny look at him like that? Or was there in fact some good inside of him that he had lost sight of years before?

“I-I don’t even know when it started.” The words were slurred, and it was all well and good – he didn’t know if he wanted Danny to hear them in the first place. “It wasn’t always like this, i-it wasn’t always so...”

“It won’t be.” Tears were on Danny’s voice again, and Brian hated himself for making the man he adored cry, but _fuck,_ he loved Danny twice as much for crying _for_ him so easily. “It’s not gonna be like this forever, I promise. We’re gonna get you help. And I’m gonna be right there with you. I’ll go with you. I’ll hold your hand the whole fucking time. It’s gonna be okay, babe, I promise.”

As Danny rocked him slowly, something about the motion seemed to stir the fog in Brian’s body. The darkness that had held over him for so long began to move, until a faint light shone through it and barely illuminated his heart. It wasn’t vibrant. Not enough to burn. Barely even enough to be seen at all. But it was there. For once, the black was shifting to gray.

It was the promise of hope and change in the air. And, as Brian cried out every tear in his body, he clung to it and welcomed it closer, inviting it in.

 

~~

 

“I think that’s them!”

“You think the giant truck pulling up to your house is anything _but_ the moving company?” Brian drawled, and Danny laughed, swatting his shoulder.

They’d done it, then. It had been hard as hell, and they’d been up past midnight the night before sealing the rest of Brian’s belongings in boxes, but it was finished. Never once had Brian seen Danny with so much patience. Every time that Brian began to feel even slightly overwhelmed – staring around them at everything left to pack, feeling the breath catch in his chest – Danny had brightly asked for him to go grab him a drink, or buy him a snack at the gas station, or carry a handful of boxes closer to the door. Gentle distractions. Things that gave Brian a task that was far easier rather than calling him out on how uncomfortable he was and making him feel like an idiot.

Brian hated being wrong, but he had to admit that Danny understood him far better than he thought possible – and that he was the only man who really seemed to know how to help.

He watched him as he bounded toward the front door like a puppy and jogged outside to greet the same movers they’d spoken to barely twenty minutes beforehand, and he smirked. “I love you, you idiot,” he whispered, just for the pleasure of saying it – of the fact that it _still_ didn’t feel real, that he was here, doing this, _moving in_ with Danny. Combining their lives…

They had such an adventure ahead of them.

“Just bring it in anywhere!” Danny said as he wandered back inside and gestured with drama better suiting an actor than a gangly guy with a shrub on his head. “Just, y’know, here, there...”

“I think they’ve got the idea.” Brian held a hand out to him, and Danny stuck his tongue out, as if he wasn’t already walking toward him to grab it. “Let’s get out of their way.”

“I’m _never_ in the way,” Danny said with incredible confidence even as he let Brian coax him toward the kitchen. “You just want a snack.”

“Maybe.”

As Brian began rooting through Danny’s cabinets just because he could now – because the food in there was all his as much as it was his lover’s – Danny snuck behind him and wrapped his arms around his waist. “So.” Danny kissed the back of his neck. “You’re ready for the appointment tomorrow? Got all your insurance info and stuff?”

Brian paused. He leaned against the counter with a sigh. When he felt the encroaching desperation to call the whole thing off, he took a deep breath and willed it away – just far enough that he could focus on the warmth of Danny’s body. A fitting distraction. “I have everything – and I’m as ready as I’m going to be.” He cleared his throat. “You, uh, still going with me?”

“Duh!” Danny laughed. “I’m with you to the ends of the earth, babe, you kidding me?”

No one deserved to be this lucky – yet here he was. Here Brian stood in the house of the man he loved, the house that now nearly belonged equally to him. Here he could live in utter domesticity with him, and dream of a future that might involve matching wedding bands on their hands, and even think a little bit about the sounds of tiny feet slapping the kitchen tile as they ran. Was that so terrible to wish for? To imagine? To hope would come to pass?

Nothing was fixed. Barely anything had changed. But, for once, Brian had the vision of a time where it _could._

“You mean it?” he murmured.

Danny gently turned Brian to face him and cupped his face, leaning in for a deep kiss. He sucked the concern right out of Brian and replaced it with promises and intent and _love,_ so much of it that he felt it in his curling toes. “You’re mine. I’m yours.” Danny grinned at him, and for the first time Brian caught sight of the deepening wrinkles at the corners of his eyes. A bright, smoldering attraction burst in his chest, spreading through him. “Nothing’s gonna ever make me let you go. I mean it.”

Brian cupped his face in both hands, brimming with hope. “I love you so fucking much.”

“And I love you.” One more kiss before Danny held him close. “I always will.”


End file.
